Stab Vest

Out on the streets of London you don’t worry about being shot, because that hardly ever happens, what you worry about is getting stabbed because that happens a lot. To avoid have sharp bits of metal stuck into your favourite body the well dressed young copper around town wears his stab vest.

My particular life saver is a metvest™ for which I was fitted right at the start of my probation. A metvest is basically a torso shaped fabric cover into which you slip the armour plates that keep your tender young bits from being pronged by an over excited member of the public.

There’s two types of covers; covert; which is white, smooth and designed to be worn under your clothes so you can stay safe and fashionable. And overt which is black, has lots of pockets, a docking clip for your airwave and, just in case people still have trouble identifying you, a badge that says Metropolitan Police: working for a safer London.